She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
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-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I love the honesty
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways