She puts the hot in psychotic
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Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
All is fair in drunk and war.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Was it something I said?
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
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5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced