She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
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DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I’M CRYINGGG
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side