She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
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Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in