She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
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Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
What’s this sorcery? 😂
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.