She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
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Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know