She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
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When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Has science gone too far?
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.