She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
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Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.