She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
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Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.