She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
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“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.