She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
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Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I camp so other people don’t have to.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*