“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken