She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
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Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.