She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
You Might Also Like
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops