She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
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We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Cats (2019)
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬