She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
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[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I have obtained a hat
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.