She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
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I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
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It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
A leaf blower, but for people.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”