She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
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‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?