She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
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*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Tell the colonel to bring it
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …