She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
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[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating