She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
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*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without