She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
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Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
his wife is probably gonna see that
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.