She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
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No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.