She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
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The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
absolutely not
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”