@GetLaffs
@stuckinaportal sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
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@stuckinaportal 
@KThonvold I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
@thepatrickwalsh My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
@jwoodham HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
@SteveSuckington ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
@WoodyLuvsCoffee STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
@elle91 “I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
@KentWGraham Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
@asimplesean Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
@Cornjerker78 If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.