@GetLaffs

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

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@stuckinaportal

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

@KThonvold

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

@thepatrickwalsh

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

@jwoodham

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

@SteveSuckington

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

@elle91

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

@KentWGraham

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

@asimplesean

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

@Cornjerker78

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.