She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
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MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo