She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
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A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Can’t, holding a grudge
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.