She was rare, like a goth carolling.
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The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.