She was rare, like a goth jogging
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Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..