She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
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Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn鈥檛 send for ages and now you鈥檝e said something sooo odd out of context
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Day 2 of my diet
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
5: I鈥檝e only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that鈥檚 the one you already had on
5: oh
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you鈥檙e my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I think I鈥檓 finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt鈥檚 so hard to meet people these days
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I鈥檓 not helping
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 馃槉
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
No matter what country they鈥檙e in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
