She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
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Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime