She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
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For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Monday