She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
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Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.