She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
You Might Also Like
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.