she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
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A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”