“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
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How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.