she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
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Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
how long have you had this for?
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills