she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
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I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Who chose this font
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Lmao the reply
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.