SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
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Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Name this drama.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.