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@oh_porter

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

@WilliamAder

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

@badbanana

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

@10InchesPlus

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

@booyahchadly

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

@SCbchbum

It’s called St. Valentine’s Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn’t have the same ring to it.

@mdob11

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

@ShaeAaron

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

@HeyitsLori

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.