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“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”


9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.


Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.


Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?


Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”


It’s called St. Valentine’s Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn’t have the same ring to it.


Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁


“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.


Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.