Sheep
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Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen