(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
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I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*