She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
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Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce