Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
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“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours