Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
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What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night