Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
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A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.