Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
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[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
*orders delivery*
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.