Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
