Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
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ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
The smoothest fall of all time
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street