she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
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Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
The future is now.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach