@ih8rts
@schumoo Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
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@schumoo 
@AaronFullerton To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
@Sy_Cornelius Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
@Jeffwni Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
@GingerHotDish [During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
@StupiDucker Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
@LuckoftheDraw86 Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
@andiedandie0 I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
@sarcasticmommy4 I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.