Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please


To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.


Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’


Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”


PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back


[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?


Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.


Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
YB: So where are we on that baby?


I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …


I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.