Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
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My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Carpe DM
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.