She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
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Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Single and childfree like Jesus
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”