She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much