She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.


My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.


To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.


I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?


Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.


Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.


Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00


My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”


As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.