@SoulYodeler

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

@DanMentos

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

@DannyDutch

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

@HatfieldAnne

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

@yourlovemuscle

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

@Paulmay018

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

@itsmebeegee07

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

@IAmKatieOrr

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.