She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
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[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”