She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
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Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.