She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
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ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I’m too immature for adultery.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single